With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door