Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.