@DaddyJew: Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
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@XplodingUnicorn: The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
@WilliamRodgers: Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
@michaelianblack: Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.
@iLick_sheDrip: Stop editing ya'll pics. What if you go missing? how you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook & chief keef in person.