Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
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urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.