[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
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my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
A choir of Spring onions
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I beg your pardon?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill