Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit