Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
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Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart