Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
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[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.