Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I think the cat got the dog high.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.