Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.