Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
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My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes