Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
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6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
What a chick magnet..
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.