Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I support this random dude and all his protests
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser