If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
wut hotdog?
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.