Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
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Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.