a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
You Might Also Like
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready