Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.