Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
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See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.