@LindseyEllison2: Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
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@Reverend_Scott: Police: We'd like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband's disappearance. Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
@longwall26: We don't have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
@ibid78: [interview for CIA] Your résumé says you're a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or- *I've already thrown a wombat at his face*
@HatfieldAnne: First 20 minutes driving through farm country: "Isn't this pretty?" Next 3 hours: *can't remember a life before corn*