Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
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anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.