“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
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advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.