Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.