Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
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I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.