Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
6: are snakes just neck?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
We’re all getting idioter.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.