Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
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They also CAN sing✌️
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life