Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
When you try jalapeños for the first time
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume