Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
You Might Also Like
accurate
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.