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Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Mood.. 😂
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..