@ProudFFAalumni: woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
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@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Table…table doesn't look great JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
@AimeeHelene1: *husband comes outside* "What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?" *sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
@SteveCarell: Flight attendant:"Would you like the chicken or the pasta?" Me:"What would you suggest?" Flight Attendant:"Eat before you get on the plane."
@AimeeHelene1: I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.