@ProudFFAalumni: woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
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@KeetPotato: waiter: "have we decided yet sir?" me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] "the margarita pizza please"
@KelFocker: A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
@zacharyflynn: If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I'm okay with it as long as they're happy.