#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.