I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
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You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”