Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Ha.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt