Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
You Might Also Like
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.