Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
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Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now