@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.
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@burnie: Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver? *Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story* Interviewer: you're just what we need
@DaddyJew: Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets Me: Not right now I'm working Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
@DrDogMD: PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc DR DOG: I've got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
@shkeeber: I can't diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don't think I could live with that kind of guilt.