@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.
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@rockymomax: [in bed] HER: talk dirty to me ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway HER: I meant- ME: I use a rat as a loofa
@KeetPotato: [at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking] "YOU NEED TO LEAVE" me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: "I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS"
@ilovepie84: " So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore" Me if I was on the Titanic.
@MikeBigby: *Belle falls in love with Beast* Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it! *Belle speaks to furniture* Everyone: this is fine