@Baxterbix: Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I'm not movin'.
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@iMikosnyc: This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death's door kinda voice. I'ma see if she'll record my voice mail message.
@JediGigi: Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here. Coworker: What? Me: You just summoned me. I heard you. Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios. Me: Yes.
@SaltyCorpse: Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny? Anyway, I need bail money.