Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
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Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Hank is one in a melon.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security