[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.