Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
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Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager