WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard