Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*