Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
goldfish mafia
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking