Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
hear me out : pockets for your socks
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE