Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
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I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
The Joker was right
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
yall want some gasoline milk
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Happy Halloween 🎃
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