@P1ssed_K1d: Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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@noog: To the idiots who say ghosts aren't real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
@PJTLynch: [At bar] Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now M: Right...sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants #BT140
@HeyZeus666: I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.
@DillDoes: Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning "You mean Diabetes?" Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases ooh