Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
sistine chapel
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)