@shutupmikeginn: [holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he'd be slimey but he's really dry

@joekjoek: How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret "numbers" to the hygienist

@Adam14: Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

@PetrickSara: "You saw nothing." -me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

@causticbob: If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.