Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
every single time
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise