Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.