@mollymcnearney: Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
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@zachreinert03: If a genie granted me 3 wishes I'd ask for unlimited wishes, then I'd probably take a nap
@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office] ME: *unzipping pants nervously* PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.
@sweb74: Studies found that 1 in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is gay. I hope its Dave, he's really cute...
@OnceUponALiz: If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I'll never been seen alive again.