@mollymcnearney: Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
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@Sarcasticsapien: If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.
@KyleMcDowell86: I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
@UncleDuke1969: "Let's call it a day." I don't know what else you'd call it. Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid. "Lets call it a turtle." See?
@MarfSalvador: [Forest] GF: Oh god it's a bear! Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants* GF: What are you doing? Me: Making myself look big Bear: Well hi