Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?