WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
The honesty is refreshing
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”