WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!