Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim