Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
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Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?